King for a Day

The Chief has graciously allowed me to take over his blog for the next week. To my knowledge, he has no idea to whom he has relinquished control. Of course, as you will see over the course of the next few blogs, I do not have the computer skills or techno-geekness that he possesses, so it's possible that he may have some way of determining my true identity. I kind of doubt he knows now though. Don't repeat this... but I am fairly sure that if he knew who Atticus was, he wouldn't have been so willing to turn the reigns over to me. Let's just say I don't think I've ever been on his short list of 'favorites'. Heck, probably not even on his long list. Anyway, here I am.

A response to the Chief's last entry before he headed off on vacation asked if Atticus would be approved to make some changes at LPD in his absence. Sadly, no. It is one thing to turn over control of your blog, but quite another to turn over control of your entire department. But that did start me to thinking on what changes I would make if I was crowned LPD King for a day. (Que the dreamlike harp music)

Sure I could start with the 1.5 officers per 1,000 citizens, but that one has been done to death. Do you get the feeling the Chief could insert that lofty goal into just about any conversation? I do. I am glad he does and maybe eventually the squeeky wheel will get the grease. For my day though I will leave that up to him.

I suppose I could make some changes on the type of calls LPD will and will not respond to. Clearly we are the clearing house of the city and some of the calls we are sent to border on the ridiculous.

Or I could magically decree that I would determine who is and who is not a 'criminal', based on each citizen's personal description, and protect the true victims in the city. After all, if you read some of the blogs following the newspaper articles there are many among us who feel LPD should have crystal ball powers and be able to make these determinations regardless of facts, witnesses, individual rights, etc.

Naw, I think if I were King I would go for a real change. Something crucial. Something far-reaching. Uniforms! I think it is high time we moved out of the 70's era polyester/wool pants and comfort matching french blue shirts. Seriously, I know outfitting an entire department is costly but we don't have to do it all at once. We can do it a little at a time. Start with the new recruits. When a veteran's uniform needs to be replaced due to wear or weight gain, change it out with the new threads. Surely that would help the cost issue a little.

There is no doubt that the current uniform pants wear like iron and can take a beating. Unfortunately they actually do wear like iron! They are not meant for sitting. In a cruiser or behind a desk, they feel like a medieval torture device. They ride up, they bind, they are itchy. And, after all these years I still cannot decide what size I wear. If I get them a little big, they wind up looking like clown pants. If I get them a little smaller they look like I had to pry myself into them. Unlike Mark Fluitt, I do not have the body of an Abercrombie and Fitch model. Few of us do. I'd like a little room in my pants, without looking like I should be entertaining the crowd at a bull riding event. And by the way, this is Nebraska. It gets a touch warm in the summer. Ah, there's nothing like the feel of sweat rolling down the inside of your thigh while working a fender bender.

The shirts are a bit more comfortable but only a shade. And speaking of shade, I am pretty sure the french blue needs an overhaul. I kind of like the darker shirts. Helps to eliminate the underarm stain problem following the above described accident investigation. Of course the darker color attracts the heat, but with today's fabrics, I bet there is an answer out there. Maybe an officer in Florida or Texas or California could provide some input. I hear it gets a little warm in those areas as well.

I am well aware that the Chief does not want the BDU pants and paramilitary style uniforms that some have suggested. At this point I think there are a variety of uniform options out there and we should be able to come up with something that is comfortable, yet has the professional look the Chief is after.

This is a job in which one minute you could be running through alleys, up & down stairs, over fences; and the next minute you are expected to sit in on a neighborhood meeting or testify in court. We need uniforms that match that diversity in comfort, style, and price. We need a change.

If only I was the King.