Assault weapons

A grocery store argument-turned-assault garnered a little attention in Lincoln over the weekend. I guess the story of the encounter between a leisurely banana selector and a Type-A shopper with a short fuse was a refreshing diversion from electoral politics for the media. It must have tickled a few funny bones, judging from the mid-morning phone call I received from a well-known local citizen who, without introducing himself (he has a very recognizable his voice) just said "Would you just pick a stinking banana, for God's sake!" (or words to that effect.) Adding to the event was the weapon-of-choice: a package of Whisker Lickin' kitty treats lobbed as a missile.

It got me thinking about the odd instrumentalities of assaults. There are several examples in my Wishful Thinking file, including a rather nasty injury inflicted by a can or pork and beans. So, I did a little spelunking in our Records Management System. Overall, the majority of assaults in Lincoln are committed without a weapon: hands, feet, and teeth account for about 63% of the 3,907 assaults in our city so far this year. Of the remainder, knives, swords, hatchets and other cutting instruments were used in 113 cases; clubs and blunt objects were used in 110; guns were brandished in 51, and a huge variety of other odds and ends were employed in smaller quantities.

Rocks and bricks were prominent, as were bats, pool cues, crowbars, pipes, chairs, barstools, cars, and bottles. Among the bottles, beer was the first choice by a considerable margin, but vodka, cologne, and body lotion were represented as well. I'm not sure I really want to read the incident report on that case involving lotion. There was one tossed camera, one DVD player used as a bludgeon, 3 assaults with a telephone , one candelabra, three pens, one pencil, a paper towel holder, a can of Pringle's potato (e) chips, one crossbow bolt, and my favorite: a TV remote control. Bet there's a good story behind that one.

But the best case I stumbled upon involved shoes. There have been 10 assaults with shoes this year. I'm not talking shoes in the sense of somebody kicked by a foot shod with a shoe; rather, I refer to those crimes where the shoe itself was wielded as a weapon. My favorite shoe assault so far in 2008 is case A8-009956, as assault occurring at a Bible study, in which a pair of shoes were launched across the room at the victim. The assailant was cited and released to the pastor. I think there would be several scriptures that could be applied to these circumstances.